January - February 2002

 •  Posted in: Kogaionon Articles

  I had the intention of begining the 8th Kogaionon issue in the spirit of these ideas. Things have changed a little and here I am officially releasing this very webzine inside of which you can find out and explore who I am and what I experience/feel. Let us enter the underground world/realm...(31th of January 2002)

   Octavian Paler has concluded, inside his last book, "Desert for eternity", that man owns three lives: a public one, a personal one and a "secret" one which I couldn't agree more. In my case, if the public one is pretty known and the personal life belongs exclusively to my family and friends, my "secret" life devours me and reaches almost uncontrollable tides, even for myself. For it is filled with dreams, obsessions and fantasies of my inner soul, with deep roots in my sub consciousness. Far beyond any reasonable doubt, it is my "secret" life that gave birth to this very activity named "Kogaionon"and the most powerful force for keeping it still alive. Why so? Just because, in spite of others' believes and practices, to me music is not and never will be a profession. If I gave music up neither my public life nor the personal one would change or be affected in their essence. Perhaps, on contrary, I would become a more careful father, a candid husband and I probably have a better and more important job as well...all my acquaintances would have the chance to appreciate a more socialized person in me. But I wouldn't know that. Yet when the "secret "life desecrates a destiny (some call it biography) from early childhood till the teen-age period, there is a kind of optimism that makes you think that everything is perfectly reachable at one simple gentle touch... and then you come to have a firm conviction that nothing carry weight while no impediments can really oppose. And so you get through to an age when it's rather appropriate to analyse in extreme terms "what is the most important thing for me? Is the personal life or the secret one?" Hard to make a decision. Even more sombre, I suspect not even my personal private life can range under some decent lines of guidance since responsiveness such love and passion struggle within in order to wreck and dispatch my "secret" life. And here from tolerance makes itself the proper place or should I say it's rather self-control that dominates? Some simply name it COMPROMISE.
I couldn't know if such monologue figured any sense for you, my reader, internet visitor, friend or not, who are famished and so hungry for Metal information and its expected secrets, but if you perceived my OBSESSION profile, then you definitely have already grown to be my psychiatrist. I don't need to see a priest or a doctor to treat myself for this particular problem. I only demand and yearn for Kogaionon in order to satisfy all my "secret" life hidden desires, state which is constantly fighting for supremacy... its own regency and exclusivity... Which way should end this ceaseless struggle? I gather it's much too early and far beyond my knowledge to appreciate... (30.05.2001)

    I sensed and perceived a strange paradox, when thinking with my eyes closed of my existence (including its material aspect) if depending on this affair often named "music"... The state of comfort relax and gratification which I am sure I'd experience at a first impulse and thought would disappear in a few seconds after, when I'd become aware of all up coming compromises required: X band owns a $ budget followed by a few zeros; Y label organizes a fabulous gig featuring all its bands but inviting also some commercial bands in the name of maximum efficiency; Z magazine would promote interviews with interesting bands while the advertising swallows dozens of pages and moreover, sometimes, are present as well all mediocre bands-successfully representing the fashion trend and, besides all, an important source of money for most of art dealers ...; quantity takes quality's place, fashion replaces old values and originality stands for an almost forgotten chimera... Sad, shameful dishonouring yet true and real. Should we be pleased or even happy for this pragmatic Underground scene exists or simply question if it was better not to take place at all? The Elite has disintegrated in masses, everything mixed into an unstrained immeasurable chaos. Is it the challenge... changing or should it be considered evolution? It is already dreadful the thought we might have found a possible correct answer. When it happens to find from 30 CDs monthly received and listened to only 2 or 3 of some interest, which is 10%, it is obvious and natural to start inquiring if the rest of 90 % does not induce a revolting nausea state. In time, that feeling determines you to relinquish everything you used to love, experience, breath or respect and adore. It may be quite possible or even true that I might have be aging or simply surpassed by new trends ... but what if the existence of parallel worlds confuses?! (20.10.2001)

    In the last few days I have been thinking over and over about what it would be best to do, either to give up whatever it is that brought me right here and to follow the same current course of my regular normal life, or simply to continue stealing from all dear people's personal time just in order to satisfy my own "hunger"?! I wished I had an answer, but I am afraid my cowardice creates for me a certain comfort of not dramatizing everything...or, in better words, it is a confident comfort of hiding away, even from myself, my own personal fear to decide.

    Since I ever remember, I enjoyed constructing the false impression that I always shirked and I got out of no matter which situation...I plainly took pleasure in placing the blame on the lack of maturity, on shallowness and the classical "I did not know...I did not imagine that..." or terms like "que sara, sara/whatever will be, will be" and "it is possible either or...". Hazard, inspiration, flair, just luck or fortune and sense were very soon a few guiding marks I directed and conducted my "evolution" upon. Although I was aware madness is extremely dangerous, I used to enjoy believing that it was a controlled one (exactly as our Physics teacher told us about electric current) and its purpose ought to be to preserve me from extremes. Good friends of mine believed and even trusted this madness of mine, perhaps higher than me, and were captivated, thrilled of what I showed, told, presented or imposed to them. Some of them succeeded to liberate themselves from that obsessive hopeless madness of mine but they had to step ahead, the most important step: to settle their own priorities and to suppress all unsafe outbursts. There were as well and as always exceptions and these are the most oppressive and overwhelming burdens for me. Why so?! Simpler than ever, just because I experience the feeling of being the moral culprit of their existence and because I injected them a frame of my psychosis! The most painful aspect is that they did have the courage of decision...and their choice estranged me from them. I am rather confused, either I was that persuasive or they too weak so that to idolize and submit my madness. I still deceive myself /lie? telling me convincing me it was their destiny. As long as you are not aware or determined in what is it that you really want yet you do know what you ought not to do, I guess it is fair for you to take a look in the mirror and say to yourself : "it is time for me to make up my mind!" Well, I did not take such responsibility...and I assume neither in the approximate future shall I take it. What was in it for me?! There were different appetizing universes...and I gained an exacerbated egocentrism as well as a certain satisfaction of nothing never ending... a felling of still lasting, not yet finished..., moreover, I confirm with stubbornness that the agony shall last for good...until the end of time. Of course, it depends on each person life style and on the corridor which destiny struggles to create for each of us. The consequences?!? Well, most of the few "genuine" I lost, the rest have destroyed themselves deliberately while the others consider that life, here on earth, is nothing but a painful prelude opening the eternity which shall come.

As a conclusion, I really do not believe it is possible for someone to accept a transitory state, although I must confess the experience of such is fantastic! I assume you have to take a risk or to cope with reality that you build with your bare hands. You cannot play with madness unless you treat it with indifference. I do not think I chose such approach but neither did I cross into the other side. And, curiously or not, I still am alive...yet... There is one single stranger for me to disclose to you yet which might drive you to the point of reading once again the paragraph and so you start question yourself if I am wrong and where or where do you place yourself . My madness? Didn't you realize, my friend? It is one of the fewest drugs without which our existence would definitely and irremediably be insipid: MUSIC! (25 February 2002)